First of all, the Yoga Sutras have been the most powerful part of the YTT to me. While I do not consider yoga a religion, this text is particularly dear to me and I’ve only just been introduced. Personally, having had experience in therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), feel the Sutras are following a very similar path. I have studied the brain in terms of resilience and emotional processing, as well as Zen and Buddhist teachings, and feel the Sutras are the distilled versions of the knowledge I’ve collected. The Sutras combine all of these aspects I find true that it is a relief to discover them. This means that many of the Sutras spoke to me and choosing one to talk about was difficult. I chose one which spoke to me the most at this time in my life.
1.9 – Imagination is the comprehension of an object based only on words and expressions, even though the object is absent.
I know in class I mentioned that “I live here”. In fact, I have battled regularly with false understanding as it relates to my memories and my imagination of those memories and their meaning in my life. I have always had a tendency to search for meaning when there is none, or create meaning where there was not. I believed from childhood that everything happened for a reason, and that I was central to these events in my life. My father was a very unpredictable, angry man when we were growing up. He took this anger out on us, not physically, but verbally and emotionally. My true nature became distorted and I was forever trying to please him and spare the others, trying to avoid pain. Many years later, I realize this has given me some strengths in my work but has caused much pain in my relationships. I left home for 10 years in part to find my own life and not feel responsible for my family, but the anxiety never left me and it tainted my experiences while I was away.
This Sutra spoke to me because my therapists, and there were multiple, were always trying to help me see how my memories of situations were not accurate and how my visualizations of my place in the world, with others and in my family were damaging to my self worth. This was so difficult to hear because I had to accept that the two people in my life, most responsible for making me feel safe as a child, did not. I had to accept a different version of events and erase false meanings I had adopted for decades about myself. I could not be martyred and save anyone, nor would everything collapse if I wasn’t there. I couldn’t be angry with anyone because all people are just doing their best with what they have. I had to forgive my parents and I had to forgive myself for misunderstanding all these years. Learning self-care felt contradictory to my imagination of events and I couldn’t give weight to the dreams and feelings I had been misinterpreting. My body and my mind have always been trying to tell me the truth but when you live in a world full of meaning, connotation, dreams and predictions based on memory and past experiences, my life was so upside down.
Learning instead to listen to myself, acknowledge my feelings, validate my emotions and then let them pass, were all ground-breaking ideas. I had so many conversations in my head that never happened with people, or misapprehension about events that had not yet happened, it was impossible to function in the present. Yoga, has helped me live more in the present and begin to accept reality. My reality was not serving me well and I am still on this path. I know the Yoga Sutra 1.11 is also very connected to this experience, but 1.9 spoke to me the most loudly during our class this past week. It was nice though to see it here and read it aloud with all of you, because it validated my experience and let me know I’m not the only one going through it. If many others didn’t suffer from this it would not have made it into Patanjali’s writings. I am encouraged and pleased that it is here in the Sutras because it means I am exactly where I am supposed to be, despite or in spite of everything that’s happened.