I think I have learned a lot about my body as it relates to my mind since beginning YTT. I have had many aha moments, including after reading this book. I know that my migraines are directly related to the emotions I experience. I realize I also have horomones working against me during my moon cycle, but I can trigger migraines and make existing ones worse or last longer when I’m feeling: sad, angry, scared, or insecure.
I have a tendency to push down my insecurities, anger and sadness until I can’t hold it in anymore and then I burst at others. Sometimes, I fall apart by myself, but either way, I will cry and within four or six hours have a migraine. I am insecure in relationships because I have a tendency to seek out emotionally unavailble men like my father. This leaves me always anxious and feeling unloved. I also try to do everything on my own, the masculine side of me trying to make it look as though I never need anything from anyone. My feminine side is over developed in my sense of empathy for others without leaving enough for myself. I feel as though I have to make up for the fact that I do not have any children, by taking care of everyone else’s. I feel less of a woman around women who are married with children, and yet I like the choices I have made.
I become tight in neck, shoulders and upper back. Althought my right side is dominant, my scoliosis causes both sides to hurt. Typically my left shoulder blade area will hurt during a migraine but no amount of massage or heat or ice will help. I am scared to think that there is something I can do during a migraine to calm it down. My stomach is rarely affected unless I am far past my normal stress reaction, and this is typically because I will eat less and less, until my stomach is upset. The final sign that my body is past a point, that my stress has reached a peak, my legs ache. It is a telltale sign I’ve learned to read. This can also happen if I’m almost in a car accident, or someone has threatened me with violence. Within an hour, my thighs will ache and I know I have to calm down or stop moving.
On a normal day, at work, or around my family, I can feel it start in my neck. If my parents are arguing and I start to remember parts of childhood when they argued, I start to feel tightness and I breath shallow. I breath all in my chest, because I am sucking in my stomach and I don’t know why. I have trouble remembering embarrassing moments in my past with men without having a physical reaction. I can remember sad things and happy things without having a noticeable physical reaction. Mediation has helped tremendously. I am able to allow feelings to come and go without spending days, weeks, months, suppressing them. At the same time, I know I still do this, but it is happening less.
I find myself uncomfortable when I’m relaxed, once I’m aware that I am. I can relax on vacation, where it seems like I’m “supposed” to be relaxed. So let’s see, I think it is equally important for me to describe the way my body feels when I am relaxed because this is the opposite quality. When I’m relaxed, it is usually when I am on vacation in Michigan, at my famliy’s home laying on the beach in the sun. My body is warm (I like to be warm), my muscles are not tight, I am breathing deeply with my belly. I think about things I hope for and things I still want to do with my life, I think about how grateful I am for my family and the experiences I’ve had, good and bad. My mind thinks entirely different thoughts than it does during the rest of the year. I have fond memories or when I have a difficult memory, I do not react.
I try to find ways to feel this way when I’m not on the beach but at least I can observe when I’m feeling this way. I try to meditate to bring myself to this place.